PERFECTIONISM SUCKS |
May has been a nutty month. More to share on that later. But, it’s been far too long. I have many thoughts and tips to share with my wide reader base in June, but for the moment I am going to impart some wisdom on perfectionism by some pretty smart folks.
“Perfectionism is the fear of being criticized.” -Caroline Myss “Perfectionism is about conformity” – Jon Acuff “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.” -Anne Lamott “Perfectionism measures our beginners work against the finished work for masters.” – Julia Cameron “Perfectionism is not a way to avoid shame. Perfectionism is a form of shame.” -Brené Brown “Perfectionism is internalized oppression.” -Gloria Steinem “Perfectionism is the mother of procrastination.” -Michael Hyatt “Perfectionism spells paralysis.” -Winston Churchill “Perfectionism sucks.” -Me Hopefully one of those struck a chord for you. I'll be sharing more soon. Until then, keep battling that wily foe my friends! -K My last few posts have been about spotting perfectionism in real life. Interesting? Possibly. Amusing? Hopefully. Helpful? Perhaps not so much.
I wanted to change that by sharing an idea on how to combat one of the pillars of perfectionism: Comparison. It’s well established that we humans compare ourselves to others, especially in areas of achievement. For example, did you know that there is a correlation between class reunions and job seeking activity? Amusing, but not terribly surprising when you think about it (obviously a pre-pandemic data point, but it clearly shows how we compare ourselves to others). A big challenge with comparison is that it is easier to get sucked into its grasp than ever before. A few generations ago, people could compare themselves to their immediate family or community, but that was pretty much it. Today, we are not only able to compare ourselves to a vastly larger population, but damningly, also to the top 1% in any domain. Theodore Roosevelt wasn’t lying when he said “Comparison is the thief of joy.” But, despite knowing comparison wasn’t the best for my mental health, and my best efforts to curb the habit, I couldn’t seem to stop doing it. That’s when I had a bit of a rebellious thought: What if I could use comparison to help me recognize the ridiculousness of my perfectionism? This prompted a concept that I’m creatively naming Reverse Comparison. Reverse Comparison: Start with a go-to comparison but then flip it around. This will demonstrate how absurd comparison really is. Reverse Comparison Example: When I catch myself bemoaning the fact I’ll never be as good as Hilary Hahn on the violin I stop and ask myself: “Would Hilary Hahn expect to have my level of competence when it comes to running global succession planning programs?” The answer is forehead slapping obvious. Of course Hilary wouldn’t expect to be able to design a legally compliant, global, yet fully integrated corporate succession management ecosystem. So why on earth would I expect that my fun-free-time-hobby should even approach comparison to one of the most talented soloists of all time?? Once I was able to see the absurdity of the original comparison, I was able to enjoy playing my mediocre caliber music once again (that is the point; try new things, enjoy your hobbies, be ok with being bad at first. We want to avoid giving up or feeling miserable because we don’t compare). Give it a try for yourself:
I hope this helps. As for me, even on the days when I still absurdly dream about becoming a world renown soloist despite my mediocre talent… I have come to realize I have something that Hilary will never have: the best backup vocalist anyone could ask for, Milhouse ;) Hello to my fellow in-denial-about-your-perfectionism friends! I hope you are doing well and my personal brand of humor is at least making you laugh at me if not with me.
I have a theory I’d like to share: the context and frequency of the word should in your vocabulary might be a hint that you are a in-denial-perfectionist. It’s a pretty simple construct; think of it as a spectrum. On one end, the word should is used on occasion. Generally in association with things that are part of being a reasonably functioning adult. “I should pay my bills,” “I should make sure my dog is up-to-date on immunizations,” etc. On the other end of the spectrum, “should” follows you around all day. No matter what you are doing, you’re thinking about how you “should” be doing it better, more efficiently, or with more grace. For those of you who think this sounds a bit ridiculous, let me provide a few quick examples. You can then determine if you’re “should-ing” all over your day and yourself.
Here’s the deal. As you all know, I’m not against striving. Not in the least. Striving is great, it’s the backbone of capitalism. However, to borrow heavily yet loosely from the 2nd grade teacher of a character from The Queens’ Gambit: “Striving is a potent spice, a little will wake you up, too much makes you feel like a loser and you’re falling behind in life.” (I said loosely!) Look at those three (very real) scenarios above. In each scenario I started with something good. I cleaned the kitchen! I’m practicing music! I had a productive day at work! And then, I take this positive situation, and I “should” all over it. In doing so, I rob myself of some, if not all, of the joy or satisfaction I might have originally felt. I have a vague feeling I’m not alone. Think about it, how often are you “shoulding” all over your days? There is a lie that all perfectionists tell themselves: “I just want to be sure it is good.” The “it” in question here could be anything: a work initiative, a home improvement project, or even an article for a blog that has an audience of four.
And who could argue? Who wants to do bad work? What’s wrong with putting forth the effort that results in a quality outcome? Let me be perfectly clear; There is nothing wrong with putting forth your best effort. Or wanting to deliver value to your customer, or even the satisfaction that you “left it all out on the field.” But when you hear yourself saying “I just want to be sure it’s good,” you need to keep a sharp lookout for the wily jerk that is perfectionism. Perfectionism takes a perfectly reasonable goal (doing your best) and twists it into something insidious that traps you in an endless cycle of reviewing, scrutinizing and modifying. Perfectionism masquerading as “good” is the sort of trap that can lead someone to not post to their audience-of-four-blog for several weeks despite having SIXTEEN articles in the hopper that are all at least 90% complete (purely hypothetical situation of course). So the big question is: How do you know if you are really just wanting something to be good, or if you are letting your inner perfectionist run wild? I find it helpful to ask myself: Why does this need to be “good?” If it’s because you want to your customers have the best possible experience, you might be ok. Good for you. I’m not at all jealous of your healthy and reasonable perspective. If the reason you want something to be good is because you are trying to avoid judgement or criticism… well my friends, welcome to the land of sixteen unpublished articles. It’s nice to see you, pull up a chair and get comfortable. I have a few theories but this one is clearly not going to be solved tonight. See you soon, Kristin Two questions: 1. Helpful? 2. Do you agree? -Thinking deep thoughts, Kristin Here's the deal. I'm not one of those people who try to claim that "I'm not a perfectionist" but secretly fantasize that people are looking up to me and my perfectionistic ideals. You know the type.
Personally, I hate those people. Well, maybe not hate, but strongly dislike. When I am around a fake covert perfectionist I have to resist the temptation to act like a rebellious teenager and say something outlandish. Not quite sure why, but it's a disconcertingly consistent reaction. But, back to my fateful day of self-awareness... Similar to most people, my 2020 was a doozy of a year. Looking back I think I was trying to "fix" myself from all the crap I was feeling and subsequently spent a fair amount of time reading books on philosophy, psychology and good old self-help. As many of you who are familiar with these categories know, most authors provide self-reflection questions throughout their books, in hopes you will actually learn and retain something from their work. The reason I bring this up is that in my readings, I came across a question that haunted me for many weeks: "What is a label that the world continually forces on you? -Especially if you don't like it" I have a love/hate relationship with that question. I have a feeling you will too if you really try to answer it. My answer is probably pretty obvious given the title of this post. Perfectionism. I've been getting called a perfectionist for years. And I hated it. I always felt like garbage whenever someone would teasingly call me a perfectionist. And then, one day after forcing myself to focus in on why it made me feel terrible, I had an epiphany: I realized I didn't think I was a perfectionist because I wasn't perfect enough to qualify as one. That's why I felt like such a fraud whenever I was called a perfectionist. Each time it would bring to mind all the things in my life that were so far from perfect. It was almost as if the more I resisted admitting I was a perfectionist, the more entrenched I became by assuming perfection was not just possible, but expected. At the moment of my epiphany I had a weird sensation, as if I was looking in a fun-house mirror. I could see myself, but not as I was used to. To add to the hilarity, my inability to focus my eyes and see my reflection clearly made me feel sick to my stomach. I could carry this analogy for a bit but I'll spare you. Suffice it to say, I ended up feeling disoriented, nauseated and fairly sure people had been laughing me for quite some time. But, in my "defense," I'd like to repeat just how messed up my view of perfectionism was: I thought that in order to be a perfectionist I had to, in fact, be perfect (At least in once facet in my life). That's pretty messed up, right? So why do I share this? As I said in the beginning of this post, I'm not attempting to humble-brag about my perfectionism. If anything I'm ashamed of it. How it's controlled me in so many ways I never realized. What it's taken from me... and candidly, even writing about it now is making me feel a bit ill. But I do have 2 goals: 1. Follow Mme Dr. Brené Brown's advice that shame cannot survive in sunlight 2. I have a feeling I'm not alone in my warped view of not "qualifying" for perfectionist. If my view of perfectionism resonated with you, stick around. I'll be sharing some of my journey, theories and thoughts on this site. Hopefully, by providing a different viewpoint on the subject, more of us can recognize it in ourselves and do the necessary (yet sucky) work to rid ourselves of the insidious beast. |
Perfectionism really is the worstTrust me, I'm not trying to humble brag about perfectionism. I fought and kicked and denied like a champion... until one day... Archives
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