PERFECTIONISM SUCKS |
Here's the deal. I'm not one of those people who try to claim that "I'm not a perfectionist" but secretly fantasize that people are looking up to me and my perfectionistic ideals. You know the type.
Personally, I hate those people. Well, maybe not hate, but strongly dislike. When I am around a fake covert perfectionist I have to resist the temptation to act like a rebellious teenager and say something outlandish. Not quite sure why, but it's a disconcertingly consistent reaction. But, back to my fateful day of self-awareness... Similar to most people, my 2020 was a doozy of a year. Looking back I think I was trying to "fix" myself from all the crap I was feeling and subsequently spent a fair amount of time reading books on philosophy, psychology and good old self-help. As many of you who are familiar with these categories know, most authors provide self-reflection questions throughout their books, in hopes you will actually learn and retain something from their work. The reason I bring this up is that in my readings, I came across a question that haunted me for many weeks: "What is a label that the world continually forces on you? -Especially if you don't like it" I have a love/hate relationship with that question. I have a feeling you will too if you really try to answer it. My answer is probably pretty obvious given the title of this post. Perfectionism. I've been getting called a perfectionist for years. And I hated it. I always felt like garbage whenever someone would teasingly call me a perfectionist. And then, one day after forcing myself to focus in on why it made me feel terrible, I had an epiphany: I realized I didn't think I was a perfectionist because I wasn't perfect enough to qualify as one. That's why I felt like such a fraud whenever I was called a perfectionist. Each time it would bring to mind all the things in my life that were so far from perfect. It was almost as if the more I resisted admitting I was a perfectionist, the more entrenched I became by assuming perfection was not just possible, but expected. At the moment of my epiphany I had a weird sensation, as if I was looking in a fun-house mirror. I could see myself, but not as I was used to. To add to the hilarity, my inability to focus my eyes and see my reflection clearly made me feel sick to my stomach. I could carry this analogy for a bit but I'll spare you. Suffice it to say, I ended up feeling disoriented, nauseated and fairly sure people had been laughing me for quite some time. But, in my "defense," I'd like to repeat just how messed up my view of perfectionism was: I thought that in order to be a perfectionist I had to, in fact, be perfect (At least in once facet in my life). That's pretty messed up, right? So why do I share this? As I said in the beginning of this post, I'm not attempting to humble-brag about my perfectionism. If anything I'm ashamed of it. How it's controlled me in so many ways I never realized. What it's taken from me... and candidly, even writing about it now is making me feel a bit ill. But I do have 2 goals: 1. Follow Mme Dr. Brené Brown's advice that shame cannot survive in sunlight 2. I have a feeling I'm not alone in my warped view of not "qualifying" for perfectionist. If my view of perfectionism resonated with you, stick around. I'll be sharing some of my journey, theories and thoughts on this site. Hopefully, by providing a different viewpoint on the subject, more of us can recognize it in ourselves and do the necessary (yet sucky) work to rid ourselves of the insidious beast.
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Perfectionism really is the worstTrust me, I'm not trying to humble brag about perfectionism. I fought and kicked and denied like a champion... until one day... Archives
July 2021
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